How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
You Might Also Like
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
constantly working on myself.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
“you recording!?”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.