I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark