My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
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neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
A double negative is a big no-no.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.