like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
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does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses