Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
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astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.