At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
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it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen