The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first