Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.