*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
You Might Also Like
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
me hooking up with my ex
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.