[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
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Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The glockness monster
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now