me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.