[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
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My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Why is this me 😫
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice