Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
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If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.