I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Well well well…
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao