vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
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My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Catering service
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Love this one 😂🧟
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?