If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ