I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
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Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?