My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
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Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.