Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
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In a parallel universe nobody can park.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong