A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”