Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?