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2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”