Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.