Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”