card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
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(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
For the baby who has everything
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY