if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
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I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”