MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
no one likes gloating
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.