If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
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What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
They got Raph!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns