*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no