ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My life in a nutshell
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
watergate? u mean a dam??
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo