I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Omg 🤣
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.