My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My kitchen overserved me.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Support your local cemetery
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.