4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today