My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
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me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount