The opposite of goth is stopth.
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.