If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Shoo shoo! 😂
nyc:
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.