I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
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Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I’m aging like a fine banana
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed