Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Autocorrect completely socks
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*