My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”