Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions