Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
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I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Don’t talk down to me
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
boat question
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY