it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
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“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
you stereotypes are all alike
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
The asteroid..
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
A little too much information.