*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
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You know what? I鈥檓 sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they鈥檙e reading to their kid.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain鈥檛 even know what the shit meant
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
馃幎 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT鈥橲 GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I鈥橪L NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY鈥攐h, here it is.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff