[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons