Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I think this should do it.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.