You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I saw this ending much differently.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait