For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
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We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
work smarter, not harder
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Blew out my flip flop…
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.