Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 馃槶馃槶馃槶
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he鈥檒l kill you
Spider:
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN鈥橳 WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn鈥檛 want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Amazed that my wife didn鈥檛 tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy鈥檚 fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
one time my grandma used an american express traveller鈥檚 check to buy a whole frozen horse
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap