Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
You Might Also Like
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Bread puns are on the rise!
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.