One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
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My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.